Sunday, August 14, 2011

Would You Leave a Man Who Didn't Like Your Natural Hair (with poll results)?

So the results are in.  This poll of course is not scientific so you have to keep that in mind with the results.  According to the 55 respondents who participated, 45 percent said that they would leave a man who did not like their natural hair. Another 18 percent said that they would not leave a man who did not like their natural hair while 30 percent said that it depends.  Only about 5 percent said that they did not know. 

Surprisingly, a vast majority of you all said that you would leave a man if he did not like your natural hair.  I am interested in hearing a response from you or from anyone else who would like to share why they chose the answer that they did.  So the question remains for me: would I leave a man who didn't like my natural hair? Personally, I would not leave a man "right away" because he doesn't like my hair in its natural state.  I believe that women should give their men time to adjust to their new natural look.

 As soon as you cut out that last piece of relaxer, don't be surprised if you are not greeted with immediate tears of joy from your other half. Human beings are creatures of habit, and as much as we sometimes hate to admit it, we have a hard time adjusting to change of any form.  Going from straight relaxed hair to kinky natural hair can be shocking not only to yourself, but to your mate as well, especially if you all have been together for a long period of time.  

We as black people have been conditioned to believe that nappy hair is at the bottom of the totem pole and straight and curly hair are the cream of the crop of the hair textures lottery.  So no, he may not like your natural hair the first few months immediately following the big chop.  It will more than likely take some time for his mind to be reprogrammed to see the beauty in your natural hair texture.

You also have to remember that with men, it is not necessarily the texture that they do not like, but it is the length that is the problem.  He may not like the short and the nappy hair, but he doesn't know this.  All he knows is that you cut all your long beautiful hair off and you are left with short and nappy hair and something isn't right.  That is why I believe that it is crucial to let a few months pass and see if his opinion changes as your hair begins to grow out. 

As time progresses, he probably will begin to like your hair as he sees just how versatile your hair is, and how he can actually run his fingers through your hair (imagine that?).  Of course there are those of us who choose to wear our natural hair short on purpose.  Once again, the man may need some time to adjust to your new look.  Give the man some time, okay?

  Now here is the flip side: if it is a 18 months after your big chop and he is still requesting that you "do something to your hair", then maybe you all need to sit down and have a chit chat about what is truly going on.  This man obviously has a problem with the texture of your natural hair.  If this man has natural hair himself, or afro-textured hair, then I would be worried as to why he has a problem with something that is growing from his own scalp.

At this point I would wonder if he has some self hate issues that he not only is passing on to you, but that he may pass on to his children if he has any or if you all plan to have any.  I'm not going to pretend as if nappy hair hate is not a deep rooted problem within our community because it is.  It affects women as well as men and these same thoughts and beliefs are continuing to be passed on from generation to generation in our community.  The cycle has to stop somewhere.  And honestly, if he is still hung up on your hair texture after a year of you being natural, then he may not ever like it.

  Of course he may need some more time to adjust or he may even need to work out some inner demons to fully appreciate the beauty of black hair, but you have to decide if your relationship is worth the fight.  If this is a man that you started a family with and you all have been together for years, then it may be worth the fight.

  But if this is a brother who is fresh off the block and you all have only been together for a few months, then you may want to cut it off before you become too attached.  We as women have a bad habit of wanting to play mother and psychologist to grown men when it is not our job.  The only person that we can control and change is ourselves. 

That is why I never mentioned one time that you can change his mind by doing ABC or D because you can't.  If he has a deep seated issue with natural hair, then more than likely there is nothing that you can personally do to change this.  And you have to be able to accept this.

Can you say that my answer is contradictory?  Absolutely.  On one hand, I would leave a man who didn't like my natural hair and we didn't have that much history together if I could tell right away that it is an issue.  Why fight over hair when there are plenty of men who like women who wear their hair natural?  But at the same time, if we have been together for years, then I wouldn't just kick the man out because he didn't like my hair as soon as I did the big chop.

  In the end, I would just suggest that if your hair is an issue in your relationship, that you all sit down and have a discussion and find out where the problem is coming from.  Communication is key in any relationship and you all should feel free to discuss your feelings about any and everything in a respectful manner.  It is the only way a relationship will survive.



  1. I agree with you sis! Many guys might not like the results of the BC overnight but as time goes by, they come to appreciate the beauty of natural hair. But like you, where I have a problem is where a natural's hair just TOTALLY displeases her guy and he is being rude and difficult about it. One more thing is, it is okay to not love the results of the BC from the on set but any guy should support their girl/fiancé/wife and RESPECT their decision. Hair should never be an issue in a relationship but I have heard of guys that have just not been supporting or respectful of their girl's/fiancés/wife's natural hair. I mostly blame this on the society, because like us ladies, men also get influenced by the media. Great post sis!


  2. I don't know how valid my vote was in this (I voted "HELL YES, I'd leave him!" That was one of the choices, right?), only because I've never had a perm, so I never transitioned or big chopped and I have a different perspective and can't share that experience with you guys. Any man in my life would have known what my hair looks like from the jump, and he would have had to have liked what I have going on in order to approach me, in the first place.

    But. If some guy I was with started getting too involved with how he thought I "should" wear my hair, or pressuring me to press it or something, then, as I voted, HELL YES, I'd leave him! My man has to like me as I am, and I wouldn't be with a guy if I didn't feel the same way. I'd never try to influence someone I'm with in a way that goes against what makes him happy and comfortable.



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